This last week I took a day off of work so that I could get a second procedure done on my right shoulder. I've been nursing it back to health since dislocating it badly last October while mowing the lawn. It's a long story that maybe I'll tell on here soon. It suffices to say that I think twice now before I do any yard work. Anyway, since I'm convalescing this week and off of the road I thought I should share a recent story from work.
A few weeks ago I was at a Gastroenterology group in Kentucky. This group had recently gone through a conversion of systems and was in need of someone to help them navigate the pitfalls of the new system and its alien workflows. So I was chosen to go up there and be the hero. They were a nice group of doctors and staff and things were going very well. I hit it off with one of the doctors that was from South Africa and was showing him all the wonders of his new system. To my surprise this doctor said that where he really needed my help was tomorrow when he was doing procedures in the GI Suite over at the local hospital. I remarked that I could do that. "Sure, no problem." I said. "You just let me know where it is and what time and I'll be there". Of course I had no idea what I was really getting myself into at this point. I thought it would just mean me sitting with him in the doctor's lounge after he'd finished a procedure and then helping him to document it. Easy as pie. I mean some of these types of things I've done so many times I could probably do them with my eyes shut.
So, early the next morning with my tummy full from a bagel at the hotel breakfast bar and the caffeine from at least one diet coke coursing through my veins I showed up at the GI suite and promptly presented my business card and asked for Dr so and so. The charge nurse took one look at me and smiled wryly and said "follow me". I did as was told and we wondered down a long hall with rooms on either side marked "Procedure 1" and so on. She took me to an open procedure room and showed me a desk in the corner of the room and said the doctor was in a procedure but would be with me in a few minutes. As I made myself comfortable at the small desk crowded with hospital bulletins and various pieces and parts of medical machinery not currently in use I thought to myself that they must not have a doctor's lounge. "Hmmm, low budget I guess. Times are tight" I mused.
After a few minutes the door adjoining to the suite next to this one opened and a nurse said "You can come in here now. We've got a few minutes before the next one" I gathered my laptop bag and walked through the door she was in, dodging gurneys and medical devices until I saw the doctor dressed in scrubs with his surgical mask still on the top of his head. He was sitting at a desk in the corner just like the one that I had just left. He was already logged into our software and was ready to document what he had just done. "Splendid" I thought. "This guy is on the ball. I'll be outta here and back on my way to the office in no time".
We went through how to document a colonoscopy and EGD, making sure to mention the correct form of anesthesia and the technical names of the instruments used. It was a very neat and tidy note. Any specialist would have been proud to send it back to a referring doctor.
About this time, I happen to look over my right shoulder and I notice a new gurney with a patient laying on it. She was awake and looking around and her eyes caught my eyes for a brief moment. That moment seemed like it took about 60 seconds. It was like everything froze in time. The doctor must have seen the dazed and confused look on my face because as he rose and put on new gloves and surgical mask he said, "Have you ever seen a colonoscopy before?"...... He then said hello to the patient and asked if she minded if I was in there to observe and help him with his new computer system. To my surprise and horror she said no, she didn't mind. I was suddenly struck dumb for the next 5 minutes. It was as if I lost all ability to produce speech. I didn't know what to say even if I could have spoken.
I immediately turned and faced the computer screen in the corner. Thoughts raced through my mind of what was about to happen and why am I here and is this all a big joke. I wondered if Ashton Kutcher was in the next room with a television crew secretly tapping this. Or perhaps "Candid Camera" was back on the air again. Then reality hit and I realized I wasn't a celebrity and didn't know anyone capable of pulling such an elaborate hoax. No, this was exactly what I thought it was. I was going to be here for a while. And with that the procedure started and sounds and smells and experiences that I never in my life expected to endure started happening to me against my will. I fought hard to keep my eyes and ears focused on the tiny computer desk and not think about what was going on a foot and a half behind me. Some patients would cry out during the middle of their tests as if they were in pain. "Oh it hurts" one lady said crying in a loud voice. (Someone told me later that they couldn't really feel anything, they were just acting out. Conscious sedation they called it) It scared the heck out of me sure enough. The doctors and nurses would engage in mundane conversations while they performed their duties as if nothing of note was happening at all. Add to that the occasional irruptions of flatulence and the constant background of vacuuming sounds, all of which was being put on a DVD for the lucky patient to watch at home. Now there's some quality entertainment I tell ya......"Hey honey, wanna watch my colonoscopy tonight after the kids are in bed?"
I sat through it all. The doc would finish procedure after procedure and then come sit down with me and make small talk while we documented what was just done. At least while he was sitting there working the mouse, it was safe for me to look around. So I would stretch my neck and back while he was working the software because I knew in the next few minutes I would be stiff as a board again. This went on for the better part of 2 hours and I endured it all. An assault on my senses like none I've ever had before or hope to have ever again. And as we were starting the last procedure I felt like I had accomplished something. I had made it. The evil GI Suite had not stolen my innocence. Nay....I was about to immerge victorious!
And then it happened. Almost involuntarily I turned to the right and my eyes caught the site of some poor soul sitting there on their side all prepped and ready to go. Yes, the moon was out and shinning in all its fullness. My neck snapped back around with the velocity of a sling-shot. Suddenly my victory had been stolen from me and I was defeated.
Well, all I can say was that the doctor was very appreciative and gave me rave reviews back to my superiors at work. I got several "Atta boys" from important people. Of course none of them had any idea what I went through to please this physician. But that is the way that the world works. We are asked to fight our battles and no one cares much what it was like. They just want to know if you won the war. I guess I came out better than the people who were in the gurneys. Perhaps. At least they know the state of their colons.
Anyway, I found myself laughing out loud on the way back to the hotel that night. As a matter of fact, I laughed so hard that I had tears coming to my eyes and it was hard to see to drive.
So as they say....."All's well that Ends well"
Editors note: No fannys were harmed in the making of this blog post. The picture is a stock photo from Google Images. Did you really think I would've taken a picture?
