My Mom

She raised two boys. She was far from perfect. She was both a shinning example and a royal pain in the arse. What can I say, she was my mom. The one who brought me into this world. So much of who I am is because of what she poured into me. From her I learned to laugh, to love the beauty of God's creation and how to hang on to God's word and promises. There are things in my family's history and ancestry that I love that came down to me from her. My grand-father the artist who painted signs at carnivals and played music in a time when being a musician was magical. I like to think that I have his creative essence deep inside me. This I got through her. At the same time there are things that I don't like about myself that I know I got from her. Like her abysmal ability to manage money. And other dark things that sometimes haunt my personality. But its all part of the package. She wasn't easy but she was my mother. And though I didn't realize it often or tell her nearly enough, I loved her dearly.

This past Sunday was the first Mother's day that I've ever spent on this earth without her. That thought seems to echo inside me in a hollow and empty space whenever I allow my brain to speak it. It's like a bottomless pit. The kind that when you drop a stone into it you never hear it hit. Just blackness and nothing. My wife asked me on Mother's day as we were at church if I was alright. I didn't know what to say really. On one hand I was with her, the beautiful mother of my own children and celebrating all that is good about mothers. But on the other hand, I had an ache that I couldn't put to words.

I've thought about writing something about mom now for several weeks but when it came to sitting down and actually typing the words, I always shyed away from the act because I just didn't want to go there emotionally. I'd really love to be able to put together a witty essay extolling the virtues of my mother but its just not in me.....yet. Perhaps next year when I've had time to process. After we've placed a proper headstone on her grave. Right now, there are just so many thoughts and feelings and stories even that have yet to settle in my soul. All I can for now is, I am who I am because of her. She will forever be a part of me and my progeny.

I love you mom. I miss you. I'm sorry your life ended the way that it did. I hope you're proud of me.

See you after a while.

Your Sugar Bear
Arron